Anna- My Grace in Every Moment

We’ve all been there: a time in our life when we look at where we are, where we’ve been and where we’re going. And it happens more than once in our lives. In fact, it’s probably accurate to say that most of us find ourselves in this state of ‘reflection’ at least once a year. And at the beginning of a new year is a great time to reflect.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Anna, lately. It’s been sort of a reflection of her life and all that I have been through in the past 10 years. And then I start to recall all of the things that people have said to me, whether they were words of comfort or words of sympathy, and what I said back to them or what I should have said… you get the idea. It’s also interesting to think of how different people have responded to Anna in various situations. Today, in particular, my mind was just flooded with so many wonderful things about Anna and I knew that God was urging me to share them. So, I’m going to share a very condensed story of the journey of being Anna’s mom for these past 10 wonderful, challenging, spiritual, faith-growing, struggling, happy, sad, proud, patience-building, testing, peaceful, amazing years. And those are just a handful of the adjectives to describe an experience that I would not change one minute of or trade for anything in this world!

My sweet little angel, Anna Michelle, was born on June 27, 2001. She was my second child after having just Morgan for almost 7 years. This pregnancy was much like my first pregnancy in most ways. The main difference that I recall was how I felt much more equipped and confident about being a mother this time. Seven years of raising a very bright and achieving child who was always at the top of her game had made me a bit prideful and somewhat expectant that ALL of my children would be easy like Morgan. Well, it’s funny how quickly a person can be stripped of pride and develop a God-given humility when handed a completely unexpected circumstance! And Anna’s life was that circumstance.

Her birth was very easy and with no problems whatsoever. She came into the world with strawberry curls, blue eyes, a face that looked just like her Daddy, and not a single complication. Everything started out so perfect. I say ‘perfect’ because when I look back now, it is still unfathomable how quickly everything changed in the first 24 hours of her life and we had not a clue as to why. In fact, it would take 4 months to get an answer and a diagnosis that would eventually get us on the right path for treatment and care for our precious child. In those first few months of Anna’s life, and especially the first few weeks during all of the tests and trials of having a baby in the NICU, I became fully aware of my need for a God who I had kept at a distance for a long time. Up until that point, I had spent a long time avoiding becoming ‘too religious.’ I thought that I had managed just fine on my own.

People say that God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’ve also heard it said that He will give you much more than you can handle on your own to teach you to depend on Him completely. And in turn, you will find strength from Him that will give you an ability to handle way more than you ever could have handled on your own. I definitely believe the latter of the two!

Before Anna, I was somewhat afraid of people with disabilities. I was never one to walk up to a person with a disability and talk to them, much less take the time to see the person inside of that body that could not do all of the things as the people around them- to really see who they were. Now, I found myself being the parent to a child with the very thing I was afraid of. No- I could not handle that on my own. Yes- God had given me way more than I could handle and I was on my knees, crying for help.

Anna taught me so much those first few years. I learned how to be patient. I learned that her developmental milestones were going to happen at a much slower pace than the typical child. I learned that doctors do their very best, but that they are not always right. I learned that God appointed me as Anna’s mother and had given me an innate wisdom to make the best decisions for her care- sometimes without the agreement of her doctors. I learned what true, unconditional love for another human being felt like because I had been given a child that I loved just as she was, without ever doing a single thing to merit that love. Anna was just Anna. And the best thing of all is that I learned to trust God completely with Anna’s life each and every day because there was absolutely no way I could be the mother that I needed to be without His help.





Today, I look at Anna and realize just how blessed my life has been with her in it. Some people say things like ‘how hard it must be’ for me or ‘how sad’ they are for Anna. ‘Poor little girl,’ ‘how do you do it?’ ‘You are so strong.’ No, it’s not hard for me. Yes, there are difficult days with unexplainable medical challenges. No, don’t feel sad for Anna. She’s happy. She is not a ‘poor little girl.’ If anything, she’s not troubled by most of the useless cares of the world. And ‘how do I do it?’ ‘I’m so strong.’ No, I’m not strong. It is God’s strength working in me. And I do it by repeatedly taking my worries, stresses and concerns to Him and letting Him carry the burdens for me. After all, He offered to do it. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28). It’s really awesome to know that Someone greater than me is guiding me and carrying it all. That’s why I feel blessed. Anna’s life is not and will never be in my control. And I’d be kidding myself if I thought it was.

I love when people approach Anna and see the beauty in her face. I love when people talk to her and take the time to get to know her. She may not talk back, but she has a way of letting you in. Even on the worst of days, she will smile a smile that lights up a room. She doesn’t complain. She seems to understand that God is using her life in a very unique way. In fact, I’m pretty certain that she has much more wisdom than most of the people around her. Because of her disabled body, I believe that her soul is not clouded by all of the junk that we able-bodied people worry about. She wakes up each day and is the perfect picture of someone who knows the true joy of the Lord and is doing exactly what we were all meant to do- just let God love us. After all, that’s why He made us- to have our companionship and love us. Nothing stands in Anna’s way from doing that!

Having said that, I would like to finish by saying what I think Anna would tell everyone is she was given the opportunity. I believe that she would say, “Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t have one ounce of pity. I’m a happy little girl. I have a Daddy and a Mommy who love me so very much. They take great care of me. And I have 2 sisters and a brother who treat me just like any other child. That’s what has helped me learned to be a fighter. They have given me a determination to try my very hardest, not necessarily to keep up with them, but more so to see the looks on their faces when I surprise them with what I can do! I know that they will always look out for me. It’s nice to have them in my life to let me know that I’m a part of a big family to cheer me on. I love them so much! Most importantly, I have a God who loves me. He ‘knit me together in my mother’s womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. His workmanship is marvelous.’ (Psalm 139: 13-14) ‘He saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in His book. And every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.’ ( Psalm 139:16). In fact, my physical disability is ‘so that the works of God might be displayed in me.’ (John 9:3). He loves me so much that he wants the very best for me. ‘He knows the plans He has for me. They are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.’ (Jeremiah 29:11). And I believe what He promises because His word is perfect and flawless. So don’t worry about me. I’m not worried. I’m in good hands. God is taking care of me and He gave me a great family to help. If I could ask for one thing, I would hope for you to have the same peace and happiness that I have.”

I pray that one day I get it as well as Anna does. And I look forward to an Eternity in Heaven with the little angel who I get to spend my life with here on Earth. She’s going to have a lot of things to talk to me about!