A Whole Year- GONE!

Wow! My sweet neighbor, Sue, pointed out that I had not blogged in an entire year! I started thinking of where to pick up and what to write and found a great big blank spot in the creative place in my brain.


This is not to say that I haven't thought of topics over the past year, but that I am currently at a loss...



Having said this, I have decided to share about the personal struggles that my family and I have been facing this season. Grab a tissue because I could make you cry. At least, I know I'll cry!


As you have read in past blogs, I have a precious little angel named Anna who has a rare chromosome disorder. This disorder has caused her to be completely delayed in every aspect of normal development. (With the exception of being a totally normal 8 year-old who LOVES Taylor Swift)


This year has been a challenge for Anna. Not only have her seizures increased, but they have become much more intense and debilitating. They interfere with her daily routines and rob her of some days, entirely. We have tried several different medications with no luck in bringing these seizures under control. It has changed life for us. We can no longer just jump in the car and go off for a Saturday adventure. No, if Anna is having seizures, someone must stay home with her until they stop. And if we plan a trip out of town and Anna starts having seizures the day before, there's a chance that we will not be spending that much-needed time with long-distance loved ones like we had planned. Needless to say, its been an adjustment.


I find myself questioning God about why He would let Anna continue to suffer like this and what it is that I'm doing wrong. For those of you who know me well, you KNOW that I know that God does not act against us, nor does our wrongdoing affect His feelings towards us. But all the same, I found myself doubting the truth.


The hardest place to be on this journey in life is in the place of doubt. Although the truths of life are available to me just by reading God's Word, my feelings can easily cause me to believe the lies around me.


Lie #1: A large population of the country I live in believe that children like my Anna should be terminated before they are even given the chance to breathe their first breath of life. It's a convenient way to end something that they see as 'burdensome' and an 'unnecessary pain'. Rather than let the child have an opportunity to be born and possibly overcome the odds against them, these people choose to rob them of any chance at all. I just read in Sarah Palin's book, "Going Rogue," that 90 % of Down Syndrome babies are aborted. I have no idea of what the statistic are for children like Anna, but it saddens me to think that there are people out there who look at my little girl as a burden. People who will never know the true joy of raising a special child like her. People whose hearts will never be transformed as my own heart has by my little gift from God.


I know that Anna was placed on this Earth exactly the way she is for a reason that I may never know until I get to Heaven. I don't expect my limited human brain to ever comprehend everything that God knows and plans to do through Anna's life. It's called faith. And its my faith that has brought me through every excrutiatingly difficult circumstance of my life. And for right now, its the only thing that sustains me from day to day.

Lie #2: Anna will never be a productive member of society as long as she is disabled. I think that it boils down to the fact that our society has taken a 'survival of the fittest' mentality. So many people seem to think that their successes come from their own efforts and talent. Too many people no longer understand that EVERY good thing in their life, including the intelligent brain in their head, is a gift from God: The Creator of it all. Having said that, I must remind myself that God created Anna, too. He says in Psalm 139 that "He knit us together in our mother's womb." and that "He knew all the days of our lives before we even lived them." And that goes for Anna and every single child that God creates. So, He planned and purposed her for a specific task. She has an assignment on this planet that no other person can complete as perfectly as God planned it for her. And whether or not people see her task as "productive" or not, I know that the Creator of the universe does. And that's all that really matters.

At this moment, I can't think of some of the other lies that I have heard, but I can think of some other truths that I have continued to hold fast to.

As a child, I experienced abuse in ways that many people can't bear to hear. For that reason, I won't go into the details of it. I merely speak of it so that people will understand why I hold so tightly to my faith in God and the wonderful Son that he sent to Earth to save us.

When I was a child, I asked Jesus to be the Lord and savior of my life. I was only 8 years old, but my understanding of the harshness of life was beyond my years. I didn't live the picture-perfect 'Leave it to Beaver' life that people around me appeared to live. Instead, I saw and was subject to an unfairness of life that too many children on this planet face every day. The tragedy of this fact is that only a small portion of children like myself ever grow up to become a spiritually and emotionally healthy adult. I owe the happy ending (even though there is a lot more life ahead of me) of my own story to the love of Jesus. Because He is the only person that ever walked on this planet who has sustained far worse than any person in history. He understands. He walked in my pain with me. He never left and He brought me through.

The truth that Jesus loves me is the Absolute most important truth that will carry me through ANYTHING I must walk through. He loves me through the people around me. He loves me through my childrens' hugs. He loves me through each and every struggle that makes me stronger. He IS my Rock. And, He lives through my Anna every day.

Anna loves people. She never looks at someone with judgement. She never speaks a mean word to someone. She may never hurt someone's feelings like I regretfully admit that I have done. She loves life and never complains. Even on her worst of days, she manages to smile and giggle at something simple. She is more like Jesus than any person I have ever met. And whether she ever walks or talks, or not, she will live a more God-glorifying life than I could ever hope to live.

Yes, I will continue to struggle with this journey with Anna. Yes, its hard. Its REALLY hard. But, its worth it. I wouldn't trade it for the world. And while I am struggling at the moment, I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I know that Jesus is walking right beside me today. And I know that He hears my doubts but loves me more. I'm not giving up. He paid too high of a price for me to do that. He laid down his very life so that I may have life. And have it more abundantly.