The Gift of Surrender

The Gift of Surrender

 Today marks the 3 year anniversary since Anna’s friend, Holly, went to Heaven. Holly was 2 ½ years older than Anna and had the same diagnosis- Monosomy 1P36. We met Holly just after her 3^rd birthday when Anna was just 6 months old and had just been diagnosed. Anna’s and Holly’s syndrome was estimated to affect 1 in 10,000 kids in 2001- the time of Anna’s diagnosis. That made it fairly rare. Since that time, the rate of diagnosis has been changed to 1 in 5,000 kids, making it a little less rare. In 2001, the support circle of families with a child with Monosomy 1P36 was very small and spread out. Some people didn’t know of another child with their child’s syndrome for 100’s of miles. The internet was beginning to be helpful in connecting people, but it was nothing like it is today. So, we were very blessed to meet Holly, who lived just 10 miles away.

Meeting Holly was both helpful and scary for me. Holly was a few years older, which made her mother Sandra practically an expert on the syndrome by the time I met her. She had all of the available resources and studies that had been created to provide more information for families and doctors. And since she had a couple more years of personal experience in caring for a child with Monosomy 1P36, she was a wealth of good advice and recommendations. All of that was very helpful and informative.

The scary part was that every child with the syndrome is so different from another that we had no way of knowing if Anna would be as affected as Holly, or less compromised like some of the other kids we read about. At that time, Anna was affected by seizures, acid reflux disease, and was already developmentally delayed. At sweet Holly’s young age of 3 years old, she was already having over 50 seizures a day, had a G-tube for feeding, suffered from many bouts of pneumonia, and was very developmentally delayed. On top of that, Sandra told me that Holly had never smiled or showed joy, other than during a laughing-type seizure. Her precious little girl was on so many strong seizure medications that it had seemed to suppress her abilities to express her emotions, other than crying from pain. I just remember being so scared at the thought that Anna might not ever smile at me, either.

The fears that entered my mind in those early days kept me awake at night. I tried to imagine how I would handle having a child who might never be able to express herself to me. And worse, never smile. On top of that, thinking that her seizures could get much worse and she might eventually lose her ability to eat by mouth was devastating. I didn’t want her to be on so many medications that she would be so drugged that she would just sleep a lot. I also didn’t want her to lose her ability to eat by mouth, which was something she enjoyed very much. She was just a breast-fed baby at that time, but eating was her most relaxed and comforting activity. I remember praying and begging God to let me just wake up from all of this and find out that it was just a bad dream. I prayed so desperately for Him to take this diagnosis away from Anna and let us find out that it was all a mistaken test result. I didn’t know it back then, but God already had the plan to use everything that Anna would go through for the good of so many people around us. And knowing Holly and her family was the first blessing that He gave us.

I learned so much about courage by watching Sandra and the whole family care for and love Holly in such a complete and unconditional way. They taught me about acceptance by the way they had come to love Holly just as she was and knowing that God had a plan and a purpose for her life, just like He did for everyone else. Her siblings were so mature for their age because they had this little sister who couldn’t do anything that they could; so they were there to care for her in their own special, unique ways. Her older sisters painted her nails and took care of the ‘girly’ stuff and her big brother vowed to always protect her. Our families had a bond that never would have existed had it not been for our unique little girls. And, on top of that, they shared similar facial features that made them look a lot like sisters. Baby Anna looked a lot like baby Holly had looked; and even to this day, Anna reminds Holly’s family of how Holly looked at certain ages. It’s very special, yet bittersweet.

Right now, Anna is exactly the same age that Holly was when she went Heaven. Right now, my small circle of friends with Monosomy 1P36 kids has gone from 3 kids to just Anna. We had eventually developed a friendship with another family a few hours away whose daughter, Meg, was just a few months younger than Anna. Their daughter went to Heaven when she was only 5 ½. And then 5 years later, Holly joined little Meg. Of course, I have met other people online and have grown that circle; but it’s different than the original circle of 3 who felt so connected to one another that we were like family.

Being the only parent left whose child is still alive is strange, lonely, frightening, and in a small way, hopeful. It’s hard to explain the emotions that go with it. It’s hard to put into words how I’m happy that Anna is healthy and alive, but unknowing about her future. It is definitely a situation in life that requires such an intense trust in God that I completely understand the idea of ‘blind faith.’ It is the first situation in my adult life that taught has me how to completely surrender to God every single hardship, anguish, struggle, pain, fear, insecurity and feeling of complete exhaustion that I could possibly have at one time. Learning how to trust God went to a whole new level when I finally reached the place of complete surrender to Him.

It was during Anna’s first year of life that I learned that people couldn’t be more wrong when they tell you, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” That is the biggest misconception that people have about struggle and hardship. The TRUTH is that God allows us to live in this fallen world where we WILL experience pain and hardships that there is NO WAY we could handle WITHOUT His help and provision. Sure, He has the power to stop things. Sure, He could protect us from every negative experience. However, He gave us free will and He gave us the CHOICE to trust Him or not. Sadly, it is because of MAN’S free will that many of us are hurt, abused, or wounded. But when we are not rescued from horrible circumstances, we have the choice to get angry at God for it, or to press in and trust Him even more. When I chose to press in and trust Him, I discovered the truth of His Word in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Folks, I can promise you with more certainty than anything else I could ever share in my life that if you can grab ahold of that scripture truth and apply it to every single difficult circumstance in your life, you will experience a power stronger than anything you ever known!

When Anna was 9 months old, I literally laid her down in the middle of my living room floor and created an alter before God, giving her life to Him and promising to Trust Him no matter what she went through. It was on a night that I had been up with her for hours, screaming and crying in pain from acid reflux that we would later discover had caused severe erosion in her esophagus and a hiatal hernia above her stomach. I had reached the point of “more than you can handle” and was desperately crying out to God for help! Up until that moment, denial, positive thinking, staying strong, etc. had all proven to be limited in dealing with such a situation. All I had left to do was cry out to God and BEG for Him to take this hardship from me and carry it for me. And He did! In fact, the minute I picked Anna up off of the floor and collapsed into a chair with her fragile little body on my chest, a rush of peace poured over me through the top of my head and filled my entire body. I felt as if Jesus, himself, had picked us both up and was holding us like an infant completely engulfed in a blanket of divine peace. The strength and power that I felt was completely not my own! I felt just like Paul, after God spoke in 2 Corinthians 12:10, when he said, “I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” It was in my total weakest moment that I felt the most power I had ever felt!

People, I am not strong. I am weak and flawed and anything but a Supermom. When people say, “I don’t know how you do it. It must be so hard,” they couldn’t be more correct. I CAN’T do it and it IS HARD! But I stand on God’s promise, every single day, that “I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13) And when I wake up and forget to remind myself of that Truth, it is not a good day!

Today, there is a list of things that I can say with certainty. Number 1 addresses the feelings of being the only one left in my circle of friends. With that, I am CERTAIN that I have total peace- the peace that surpasses ALL understanding (Philippians 4:7), as promised if we trust Jesus with our lives. I have total peace with whatever circumstance Anna goes through, even if God calls her home. Living with the knowing that I may very possibly bury a child, one day, is not easy by any means. But, I HAVE to believe that God loves Anna more than I ever possibly could with my human limitations. And, if He loves her even more than I do, then I am CERTAIN that he will always do what is best for her. For He has promised for Anna, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

The second on the list addresses the questions I hear so often: “Will she ever walk or talk? Do you believe that God will heal her?” Absolutely, I believe it! It is promised in Hebrews 12:13 that “the lame may not be disabled, but healed.” Whether Anna walks and talks while on this Earth or doesn’t until she is on the other side of Eternity in Heaven, she IS healed! It is already done. It is a promise from God. As soon as I was able to release that one to God and trust His timing for Anna’s healing, I quit focusing on the unimportant detail of the WHEN it would happen. The fact is that Anna’s disability “happened that the work of God might be displayed in her life.” (John 9:3) She wakes up with a smile on her face EVER SINGLE DAY. She is happier than any other child I have ever known. She doesn’t care that she can’t walk and she is certainly not going around sad and depressed all of the time because she can’t talk. She is the strongest person I know, taking every single illness, setback and surgery in stride. If that isn’t God’s work, I don’t know what is! Besides, she has touched more lives in her 13 years of being in a ‘disabled’ state than I have in my 40 years of being in an able-bodied state. I have complete assurance in Psalm 139:14, 16 that Anna “is fearfully and wonderfully made; your [God’s] works are wonderful” and “that all the days ordained for [her] were written in your [God’s] book before one of them came to be.”

The third and final question that I want to address has to be with whether or not I believe that Anna’s life has a plan and a purpose, just the way she is. There is no doubt in my mind that God has already used her just like she is, just as He used Holly’s life just as she was. Holly’s memorial service was FULL of people who had been touched by knowing Holly. She was most definitely a special angel sent to this Earth just as she was to serve a much bigger purpose than anyone can understand. And while her family has comfort in knowing that she is now running and talking and dancing in Heaven, their lives will never be the same without her here, until they are with her again.  Just as Holly’s family could tell about Holly’s ministry here on Earth, I can most definitely share stories about Anna’s ministry, too.

The one time that stands out most in my mind is the time that Anna’s most pure and loving heart spoke right through the hardened, bitter outer shell of a homeless man and reached right into his very soul. His name was Dennis and he had been homeless for a long time. The ravages of homelessness, drunkenness and time had waged heavy on his body and soul. He was angry at people, angry at God and he wanted to die. God had told me to take Anna to meet him after the very first time I, myself, had the experience of meeting him. His hopelessness was so sad to see that I felt compelled to find a way to reach him.

I wheeled Anna right up to him while he was complaining to someone about his life’s horrible experiences. He was very drunk and angry that day. It took a few moments for Dennis to notice her in front of him, but he was left speechless the second he looked up and saw her. Even though she couldn’t speak a single word of wisdom, or quote some great scripture to him, she sat there in front of him- the most beautifully pure example of God’s Truth and love- reaching right into his soul. When he was finally able to say something, he asked her name and asked if he could touch her. Tears welled up in his eyes as she smiled at him with her unconditionally loving eyes, showering him with complete acceptance. He asked several questions and then began to cry, saying how he felt so bad for complaining about his life when there was someone right in front of him who had it much worse. But I corrected him and told him that Anna didn’t have it worse because she was happy. I told him that she had the joy of the Lord and wasn’t sad about her circumstances because she knew God’s love for her. As I said the words, I realized exactly how God used Anna just as she was.

Anna is the perfect picture of God’s love each and every day. To wake up happy, no matter the circumstances, and to be able to show love to all of God’s people is a beautiful thing. Anna gets it. Thanks to her, now I get it, too! There are many things in my life that I might not get right, but I am SO thankful for Anna because it is through her that I have learned so much about God’s love and power. If she gets to Heaven before me, I’ll bet that she will have even more to teach me when I get there, too. Until then, I’m going to stay thankful for her and thankful to God for the gift of Surrender.

Today is your day!

Share Your Story!

As I updated my blog the other day, I realized that I had not written a new post in 3 years. It’s hard to believe that I had let so much time pass without sharing any word of hope or encouragement for my readers. I felt like I had let people down because I ignored my God-given ability to reach people with my writing and transparency. Well, no more!

As I write this today, I want to encourage everyone out there to write your stories, too. You may not have the knack for writing, but write anyways. You may be afraid to be open and vulnerable to others, but be open anyways. You may have felt ignored by your own church leaders; but don’t let that stop you! You may feel like everyone else seems to get the support from their church family that you don’t; but you have God’s support. God wants for you to share your stories! God will bring the right audience to you. He will bring the people that need your testimony.

I found that I had gotten so hung up on the fact that I didn’t feel supported, heard and encouraged, and wasn’t given the opportunity to serve where my gifts could best be used, that I gave up for a little while. I actually got angry and convinced that I needed to leave- to move on to somewhere else.  Then, God spoke to me and reminded me that it is He who has called me. It is He for whom I write. It is He who will bring forth the opportunities to be used in His Kingdom. He reminded me that even the best leaders can get in the way of His plans, but He will find another way. No matter what, God’s plans will prevail!

This is true for you, too, my friends! You have a story. You have gifts. You have overcome and someone else is in need of the hope that will come from hearing your testimony!

The Enemy is real and he will do anything he can to cause us to become discouraged, to get off-track, to feel let down, ignored, and forgotten. It is not true. God never forgot you. He has never left your side. In Deuteronomy 31:8, He says, “I will not leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.” Even if no one else seems to notice your struggles. Even if you feel more distant from Him, right now, than you ever have in your entire life. Even if you have allowed yourself to get off track from your destiny and haven’t been walking out the life you are called to live. My friend, EVERY day is a new day! EVERY day is a fresh start. God is not keeping a record of your wrongs or failures. “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5) That is a lie that the enemy would have you believe. God gives each new day to you with a beautiful sunrise and the morning dew on the grass to remind you that today is brand-new. “This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24) Today is your day!

Starting today, I vow to keep writing as much as I possibly can. I’m making this promise out loud to you, my readers. God has called me to share His good news with you. I’m making this promise so that you will hold me accountable. The time to cower away from His calling is NOT now and NOT ever again. Time is precious and every day holds the promise that another life can be healed. Another life can be forever changed for the better. Another soul can be brought into His Kingdom. We don’t need huge audiences or recognition. God knows who He will reach with our stories. And if only 1 single person reads it and is brought into a relationship with Him, it is worth it for that 1 person! Because every single person is worthy of God’s love and forgiveness. Forget your past. Forget any shame or guilt that you may feel. Forget whether or not you feel supported, or even noticed, by your leaders.  God has forgotten your past. He does not want you to feel guilt or shame. “For there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1) And, lastly, He is not concerned about man’s approval. For in the end, we are only accountable to Him.

Share your story today. Write whatever the Lord has put on your hearts. It doesn’t matter if it’s grammatically correct, eloquently written or properly spelled. If you do your part, God will do the rest. After all, He knows exactly who needs to hear you! I love you all and pray that you will answer the call. Today is your day!

Anna- My Grace in Every Moment

We’ve all been there: a time in our life when we look at where we are, where we’ve been and where we’re going. And it happens more than once in our lives. In fact, it’s probably accurate to say that most of us find ourselves in this state of ‘reflection’ at least once a year. And at the beginning of a new year is a great time to reflect.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Anna, lately. It’s been sort of a reflection of her life and all that I have been through in the past 10 years. And then I start to recall all of the things that people have said to me, whether they were words of comfort or words of sympathy, and what I said back to them or what I should have said… you get the idea. It’s also interesting to think of how different people have responded to Anna in various situations. Today, in particular, my mind was just flooded with so many wonderful things about Anna and I knew that God was urging me to share them. So, I’m going to share a very condensed story of the journey of being Anna’s mom for these past 10 wonderful, challenging, spiritual, faith-growing, struggling, happy, sad, proud, patience-building, testing, peaceful, amazing years. And those are just a handful of the adjectives to describe an experience that I would not change one minute of or trade for anything in this world!

My sweet little angel, Anna Michelle, was born on June 27, 2001. She was my second child after having just Morgan for almost 7 years. This pregnancy was much like my first pregnancy in most ways. The main difference that I recall was how I felt much more equipped and confident about being a mother this time. Seven years of raising a very bright and achieving child who was always at the top of her game had made me a bit prideful and somewhat expectant that ALL of my children would be easy like Morgan. Well, it’s funny how quickly a person can be stripped of pride and develop a God-given humility when handed a completely unexpected circumstance! And Anna’s life was that circumstance.

Her birth was very easy and with no problems whatsoever. She came into the world with strawberry curls, blue eyes, a face that looked just like her Daddy, and not a single complication. Everything started out so perfect. I say ‘perfect’ because when I look back now, it is still unfathomable how quickly everything changed in the first 24 hours of her life and we had not a clue as to why. In fact, it would take 4 months to get an answer and a diagnosis that would eventually get us on the right path for treatment and care for our precious child. In those first few months of Anna’s life, and especially the first few weeks during all of the tests and trials of having a baby in the NICU, I became fully aware of my need for a God who I had kept at a distance for a long time. Up until that point, I had spent a long time avoiding becoming ‘too religious.’ I thought that I had managed just fine on my own.

People say that God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’ve also heard it said that He will give you much more than you can handle on your own to teach you to depend on Him completely. And in turn, you will find strength from Him that will give you an ability to handle way more than you ever could have handled on your own. I definitely believe the latter of the two!

Before Anna, I was somewhat afraid of people with disabilities. I was never one to walk up to a person with a disability and talk to them, much less take the time to see the person inside of that body that could not do all of the things as the people around them- to really see who they were. Now, I found myself being the parent to a child with the very thing I was afraid of. No- I could not handle that on my own. Yes- God had given me way more than I could handle and I was on my knees, crying for help.

Anna taught me so much those first few years. I learned how to be patient. I learned that her developmental milestones were going to happen at a much slower pace than the typical child. I learned that doctors do their very best, but that they are not always right. I learned that God appointed me as Anna’s mother and had given me an innate wisdom to make the best decisions for her care- sometimes without the agreement of her doctors. I learned what true, unconditional love for another human being felt like because I had been given a child that I loved just as she was, without ever doing a single thing to merit that love. Anna was just Anna. And the best thing of all is that I learned to trust God completely with Anna’s life each and every day because there was absolutely no way I could be the mother that I needed to be without His help.





Today, I look at Anna and realize just how blessed my life has been with her in it. Some people say things like ‘how hard it must be’ for me or ‘how sad’ they are for Anna. ‘Poor little girl,’ ‘how do you do it?’ ‘You are so strong.’ No, it’s not hard for me. Yes, there are difficult days with unexplainable medical challenges. No, don’t feel sad for Anna. She’s happy. She is not a ‘poor little girl.’ If anything, she’s not troubled by most of the useless cares of the world. And ‘how do I do it?’ ‘I’m so strong.’ No, I’m not strong. It is God’s strength working in me. And I do it by repeatedly taking my worries, stresses and concerns to Him and letting Him carry the burdens for me. After all, He offered to do it. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28). It’s really awesome to know that Someone greater than me is guiding me and carrying it all. That’s why I feel blessed. Anna’s life is not and will never be in my control. And I’d be kidding myself if I thought it was.

I love when people approach Anna and see the beauty in her face. I love when people talk to her and take the time to get to know her. She may not talk back, but she has a way of letting you in. Even on the worst of days, she will smile a smile that lights up a room. She doesn’t complain. She seems to understand that God is using her life in a very unique way. In fact, I’m pretty certain that she has much more wisdom than most of the people around her. Because of her disabled body, I believe that her soul is not clouded by all of the junk that we able-bodied people worry about. She wakes up each day and is the perfect picture of someone who knows the true joy of the Lord and is doing exactly what we were all meant to do- just let God love us. After all, that’s why He made us- to have our companionship and love us. Nothing stands in Anna’s way from doing that!

Having said that, I would like to finish by saying what I think Anna would tell everyone is she was given the opportunity. I believe that she would say, “Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t have one ounce of pity. I’m a happy little girl. I have a Daddy and a Mommy who love me so very much. They take great care of me. And I have 2 sisters and a brother who treat me just like any other child. That’s what has helped me learned to be a fighter. They have given me a determination to try my very hardest, not necessarily to keep up with them, but more so to see the looks on their faces when I surprise them with what I can do! I know that they will always look out for me. It’s nice to have them in my life to let me know that I’m a part of a big family to cheer me on. I love them so much! Most importantly, I have a God who loves me. He ‘knit me together in my mother’s womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. His workmanship is marvelous.’ (Psalm 139: 13-14) ‘He saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in His book. And every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.’ ( Psalm 139:16). In fact, my physical disability is ‘so that the works of God might be displayed in me.’ (John 9:3). He loves me so much that he wants the very best for me. ‘He knows the plans He has for me. They are plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.’ (Jeremiah 29:11). And I believe what He promises because His word is perfect and flawless. So don’t worry about me. I’m not worried. I’m in good hands. God is taking care of me and He gave me a great family to help. If I could ask for one thing, I would hope for you to have the same peace and happiness that I have.”

I pray that one day I get it as well as Anna does. And I look forward to an Eternity in Heaven with the little angel who I get to spend my life with here on Earth. She’s going to have a lot of things to talk to me about!

What Being a Christian Means to Me

This is a tough one...

I think that everyone has their own idea of what 'Christian' means. While it might not be exactly the same idea, there are important truths to it. I'm going to do my best to put into words why I have chosen to define myself as a Christian. Here goes:

When I was a baby, my mom and dad decided to baptize me in the Catholic church. They made a decision for me when I was not able to make it on my own. In their hearts, they were doing what they thought would be best for me. I grew up in the Catholic church for many years. When I was around 7 or 8, I got the opportunity to go to Vacation Bible School at a Baptist church in town. I loved it! The songs were fun, the games were fun and I loved riding the church bus to and from each evening. Even though I was young, I made the decision to give my heart to Jesus at that vacation bible school. No one made me do it. I just listened to the pastor talk about this awesome guy named Jesus who loved me no matter what and would help me through life by always being in my heart. He didn't promise a perfect life or great blessings or anything, just a helper to get me through it. And that helper loved me unconditionally. I couldn't imagine saying 'no' to that! So, I became a Christian- a follower of Jesus Christ.

About that same time, my parents decided to try going to a non-denominational church, which basically means its a church for people from any type of upbringing: Catholic, Episcopal, Baptist, Protestant, etc. Its just a church for people to come together and worship God as one. For me, its the church that taught me so much about God's unconditional love and mercy. It taught me that while God couldn't stop the negative things from happening in my life (He gave us free will, after all), He felt every pain I could ever experience and was always by my side. For me- being a child in an alcoholic, abusive home- God was exactly Who I needed!

I remember asking God 'why' and 'why me' many times through the years of abuse and pain. And it was strange how He answered. One day, while learning about Abraham, Moses, David, Esther and other Bible heroes, God impressed on MY heart that they were no different than me. They, too, experienced great sorrow and loss. They were greatly flawed humans who came from disfunctional families, had hidden sins, made stupid choices, took life into their own hands and faced the consequences of it all. But God still used them in mighty ways. He used Abraham, an old man with no children, to be father to a nation. He used Moses, an over-privileged adopted child, to free the children of Israel from slavery. He used Daved, an adulterer, to be a world-changing king. He used Esther, a woman, to save her people from death. And He promised He would use me, a child in the midst of a daily nightmare, to deliver people from the pain and suffering in their lives. I just had to trust Him.

I wish I could say that the revelation of that moment forever put me on the road of right choices and perfect living. But, that would be a big, huge, fat lie. While, I never stopped loving God, I slipped away PLENTY of times! I got angry. I cursed God. I blamed Him for everything wrong in my life. I even told Him to buzz off and stop trying to tell me what to do several times. In fact, I pretty much decided that God really wasn't the answer to my problems at all and that the only one I could really depend on was me. I was smart. I was independent. I was driven. Who needed some god who just wanted to tell me what to do all the time and then not even step in and stop the bad stuff? Forget that!

That attitude lasted for about 7 or 8 years. Now, even though that's how I felt about God, I could still put on a great show for the outside world. Yeah, I knew all of the right 'Christian' things to say and do. I even went to church every Sunday. I had it ALL figured out! I was in control and God couldn't do anything to stop me. But that's the beauty of God, He doesn't stop us. He doesn't try to control us. He simply stands by, continually loving us and holding out His open arms, waiting for us to come back. He can take it. He can handle any negative thing we say to Him because His love for us is greater than we will ever understand. Even the best parents in the world can't love their kids as much as God loves us. He just wants our love for Him to be our choice. After all, what kind of love would it be if He forced us?

Every one of us Christians can share some story about how we came to ask Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of our lives. For me, I think that the 1st time was with the child-like faith of a young, 8 year-old girl. But, the 2nd time I asked Jesus into my heart, is the time that will be the one by which I define myself as a Christian.

When I was 25, Anna was born. She had a disability so rare and unknown that it doesn't have a name other than its genetic term. Up until then, I was handling things just fine without God. But now, I faced something too hard to handle on my own. Would Anna ever walk, or talk, or just say 'Momma'? Or an even greater question- would Anna even live that long? If she died, could I handle it? If I found her in bed one morning with barely a pulse and hardly breathing, possibly having suffered brain damage from a seizure, would I be able to give the EMTs a 'Do Not Resuscitate' order and let her go? Or would I hold on and force her to live out her life, left even more handicapped and compromised than before? And whatever I chose, would I have peace about it? These are the questions I face every day and have faced for the last 9 years. And if I didn't have a God who has showed me not only how much He loves me, but how much He loves Anna, I don't think I could face the day. Because being a Christian, to me, means trusting God's son, Jesus, with my life so completely that there is a peace in my life that I can't begin to define or explain to the fullest.

You see, Christianity is about humility. Its about being willing to admit that I can't handle everything on my own. Its about being humble enough to say that I am not perfect, or strong, or sinless, or have all the answers. Its about being able to say, "Jesus. You are the only One who has EVER experienced more pain and suffering than EVERY OTHER human to ever walk this Earth. And you took on ALL of that pain without any fault of your own because you WERE perfect and strong and sinless and had all the answers. However, Jesus, you did it so that you could totally understand EVERYTHING I would ever possibly go through. And so that my sins, which outnumber the days of my life, could be forgiven. I need You." Yes, I still face ALL the same temptations of the world. Yes, I still sin- every day. Yes, there will be lots of things that are much too big for me to handle. And, yes, Jesus will carry it for me. Talk about a load lifted off my shoulders!

So, sometimes, if I come across as having it all together or seeming so strong in a difficult situation, I can promise you that it is of no ability of my own. I'm weak. I have real problems. The strength that you see is the strength from within- deep within my heart, where a savior named Jesus lives. That's why I call myself a Christian.

Just Need to Write

I hate to admit it, but I'm failing at my goal to regularly write my blog. Its not that I don't have plenty to talk about. Its just that I have soooo much on my mind, right now, and have no idea where to start. So today, I'm just sending out an SOS.

I think that everyone reaches points in their lives where they reflect on where they've been and where they've come to. I'm at one of those points, right now.

I've been a stay-at-home mom ever since the day I walked the stage at Southwest Texas State University with my degree in Public Relations. I had plans to start my career soon after the birth of Anna, whom I was 32 weeks pregnant with when I graduated. Well, God had other plans and I've been home ever since. I've enjoyed being home with my children and doing all kinds of fun things with them. But, the time has come for change.

I'm just beginning the job-hunting process and, needless to say, I'm lost. Everyone wants someone with experience. Well, I have plenty of experience... If anything, my life as a stay-at-home mom has prepared me for just about anything a job could ask for. However, I struggle with how to communicate this 'experience' to a possible employer. I'm confident that I can handle whatever type of work I decide to pursue, but I'm not exactly sure how it will all play out.

On top of that, I've come to realize that my life needs some major overhaul. What that means, exactly, I'm not sure. I'm in a season of searching, for sure. Throughout the years, friends have moved in and out of my life, each leaving an impact on me. Sometimes, however, certain people leave more of an impact than you could imagine. Its hard to understand, unless you've experienced it. All of a sudden, I find myself questioning every decision I've made in the last 15 years. Was I following God's Will or was I following my fears and insecurities at the time? It's hard to say... But it definitely leaves me in a weird place of uncertainty because now I feel like there's something missing that I wasn't previously aware of.

I look at the people around me and I see that same insecurity that I used to have. The people that hide behind an image of false happiness. They act like its all good in their lives, publicly, but they're miserable when they look in the mirror. Why do people choose to live like that? Its most likely not their choice, but rather their lack of understanding of something greater. Whatever the case, it makes me wonder if we are all just too busy trying to make people 'think' that we're happy instead of actually pursuing true happiness. Is it easier to just settle for less? Probably so, but it sure leaves a big hole in our lives. I think that I've reached a point where I'm tired of taking the easy way out. No more just going through the motions!

So, now I've got a heavy load of questions on my shoulders and I'm seeking the answers. I have read more books and Bible passages in the last few weeks than ever. I've had more deep conversations with friends than ever. And, I've come to realize a lot more emotion than I ever knew existed. It's bittersweet, but at least I'm aware that it exists. The challenge I'm facing with it is to keep my words few and trust God to work out the details. Its definitely growing my faith by leaps and bounds! And I trust that the end result will be amazing.

My SOS to you, my friends and family, is to support me. Pray that I have the courage to follow through with whatever I have to do. Pray that I don't settle. Pray that I keep my confidence as I look for a job and don't get discouraged. Pray that I don't lose sight of the picture I see of my future. And, lastly, pray that those people most dear to my heart will do the same.

I love you all!

An Angel's Mother

I would like to share a story that I wrote 4 1/2 years ago when I was asked to speak at my church's women's conference about Anna. This is dedicated to Alyssa McCarty.

An Angel’s Mother

I look back over the past 4 years of my life and think, “Wow, God is awesome!” It is amazing to think of how faithful He has been and how much He really does intend everything for good.

The story began in May 2001. I had just graduated with my Bachelor of Arts in Mass Communication and my husband, Scott, and I were eagerly waiting for the birth of our second daughter. We had “the plan.” I would stay home with the baby for the first year or so and then start working part-time when she was older. Little did I know how much our lives were about to change.

On June 27, 2001, we gave birth to a beautiful blue-eyed, redheaded baby girl who looked just like her Daddy. We named her Anna. We were so happy to finally hold her in our arms and welcome her into our family. All seemed right in the world, for the moment. Before Anna was 12 hours old, the doctors realized that something was not right. In fact, Anna stopped breathing several times throughout the night and had to be put in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. By the time she was 24 hours old, we were informed that she would remain in the hospital for a minimum of 10 days, maybe longer. Those 10 days turned into 21 days. Over the course of that time, Anna’s diagnosis became more and more complex.

We were originally told that she had contracted a strep virus and would be fine after 10 days of IV antibiotic treatment. However, as each day unfolded something else would go wrong. First, we discovered she was having seizure activity in her brain. Second, she would stop breathing due to extreme acid reflux. Third, she had a small heart murmur. The list continued to grow. When she was finally released from the hospital, we went home with 5 different daily medications to be administered every 6 hours, an oxygen tank for when she stopped breathing, and an apnea monitor that she had to wear 24-7. Needless to say, life was going to be different.

Up until that point, my walk with the Lord had been less than ideal. Although my husband and
I attended a local church, neither one of us were doing much to feed our spirits. I had been closer to God earlier in my life, but had drifted away in my late teen years. As I dealt with daily life with Anna, I found myself returning to the One Source of hope I had once avoided. As I prayed more and more, I found myself begging the Lord to just let me wake up and it all be a bad dream. I prayed that Anna would be normal. I prayed for an answer to what was wrong with her. Most importantly, I prayed for comfort.

My comfort came in the most surprising way. Just 3 houses down the street lived an awesome family, The McCartys. Hal and Katherine McCarty had 5 children, ranging in age from 8 to 19. Their youngest daughter, Lindsay, was best friends with my daughter, Morgan. Lindsay and Morgan spent every day together. Just 7 months prior to Anna’s birth, Lindsay’s sister, Alyssa, had been diagnosed with leukemia. At the time of her diagnosis, I had told Lindsay that everything would be fine, people survive leukemia all of the time. Each day, when Lindsay came over to play, she would give us updates on Alyssa’s health. During that June when Anna was born, Alyssa was undergoing bone marrow transplant. The McCarty’s oldest daughter, Lauren, had been a bone marrow match for Alyssa.

While I was adjusting to life with Anna at home, Katherine McCarty was also making adjustments in her own life with caring for Alyssa, who was undergoing radiation treatments. The months that followed kept us both very busy. Lindsay continued to keep us updated on Alyssa’s progress.

When Anna was four months old, we finally got an answer to our questions. She had a rare condition known only as a 1P36 chromosome deletion. Everything that was known about this condition made it sound terrible. Things like “facial abnormalities”, “severe developmental delay”, ”cardiomyopathy”, ”seizures”, and “retardation” were just a few of the phrases used to describe it. Worst of all, no doctor could tell us if Anna would live a full life or not. We were told to just take her home and get in contact with other families who had a child with the same condition.

My first reaction to this diagnosis was once again to beg God to make it all be a bad dream. However, He had something better in mind, and He ministered to me through the McCarty family’s lives.

Just a month after Anna’s diagnosis, Alyssa McCarty re-lapsed. It happened the day the kids were let out of school for Christmas break. Katherine had taken Alyssa for a check-up with her oncologist earlier that day, and had only been home for an hour when the phone call came. Lindsay showed up at our door just minutes after Katherine received the call. She was crying and told us the she was afraid that Alyssa was going to die. It was hard for me to hold back the tears and be strong for Lindsay’s sake as I tried to assure her that Alyssa would be okay. I asked her how her mother was doing and she told me that Katherine had called Hal, telling him to come home as quickly as possible. As I sat there, trying to comfort Lindsay without revealing how much it hurt me to hear this news, I thought about Katherine.

Later that night, Katherine and Alyssa took a bike ride. When they were returning home, I stopped Katherine to ask her how it was going. She shared what she knew at that point and said to me, “I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose her.” I felt so connected to her at that moment because I knew what that feeling felt like with Anna. Alyssa was admitted back into the hospital to fight the leukemia once again.

The next two months flew by. Christmas came and Alyssa was still in the hospital. Lindsay came to our house on Christmas morning just as we finished opening our gifts. Morgan asked her what she had gotten for Christmas. Lindsay told us that they were waiting until Alyssa came home from the hospital to open their gifts; only Alyssa never came home.

Alyssa McCarty passed away on February 18, 2002 at the age of 15. She had touched so many lives in her 15 years of life, and the funeral service showed it. The church was filled with so many people of all different ages. People who knew her could not keep from being lifted by her contagious love for life. She was a musician, a cheerleader, a volleyball player, a dancer, an honor student, and the list goes on. At her funeral, there was slide show of pictures throughout her life. As I sat there, watching the slide show, I realized that Alyssa had been the amazing person that she was because of the amazing parents that God had placed her with. She knew the Lord and was not afraid of leaving this world to go home to Him. Her parents had showed her God’s love every day of her life. I knew that Katherine was the kind of mother that I wanted to be to my children.

Alyssa’s funeral was on a Friday. The Sunday just after the funeral, I asked my husband if we could attend the McCarty’s church. We went to Shoreline for the first time for a regular Sunday morning service and sat with the McCarty’s. When the time came for people to go forward for prayer, the large church intimidated me, so I just closed my eyes and began to pray from my seat. I was praying for Anna, as always, trying to figure out what God had planned for her life. Suddenly, I felt Katherine reach over and put her arm around me and start praying for me. I don’t remember much of what she said because I kept thinking to myself, ‘she just buried her child on Friday and she’s praying for me!’

That moment impacted my life profoundly. Katherine had strength that came from something greater than human capabilities. I knew that she was strong in her faith and that God was the source of her peace. I also knew that I wanted that same peace. I wasn’t even close to it at the time, but I was beginning to see God’s hand at work through Katherine.

Shortly after the funeral, I started visiting Katherine several times a week. She would ask me how Anna was doing and then she would tell me about all that she had been through with Alyssa. I just listened, making sure to store every detail in my memory. Katherine didn’t know how much she was ministering to me by just sharing her story, but I knew that it was healing for her. It was healing for me, too. I began to change the way I prayed for Anna. I no longer prayed for everything to be a bad dream that I would wake up from. Instead, I prayed for God’s guidance in caring for Anna. I began to accept her disability and learn all that I could to help her. One day, Katherine said something that has stayed with me ever since. She told me that she always knew that her children belonged to God and that He could call them home whenever He was ready; she just never thought leukemia. Her peace had come from the trust that she had in God’s perfect will.

In the months that followed, I started to submit Anna’s life to God completely. One night around 2 or 3 a.m., I found the peace that I had been looking for. Anna was struggling with the reflux and couldn’t sleep lying flat. She would wake up crying in the night because the reflux hurt, even when her head was elevated. I brought her into the living room and began rocking her in the rocking chair. As I rocked, I reflected on the last few months and all that Katherine had told me. Her statement about her children belonging to God and how she always knew He could call them home at any time kept coming back to my mind. I laid Anna down in the middle of my living room floor and began to pray, “God, I know she’s yours. I know that you can call her home at any time. I trust you with her life, completely. I am not afraid of whatever the future may hold for her because I know that you are in control.” I picked her back up and sat back in the chair. Then, I felt the Holy Spirit flood me with His presence. I felt a total sense of peace. God comforted me at my time of need just as He had comforted Katherine.

Life began to change a lot after that. I learned to pray, with faith, for Anna. Just shortly after her first birthday, her seizure activity was gone. God had healed her. She continued to improve and we adjusted to life with a special-needs child. Both Scott and I grew closer to God and learned to live by His will. There was no more talk of “the plan.” Anna welcomed a baby sister, Sarah, a month before her 2nd birthday. The McCarty family continued to adjust to life without Alyssa. There were difficult moments for both families, but it was so much easier to get through them with the Lord’s help.

Anna is 4 years old, now. She is very physically handicapped. She can’t sit up unassisted, or crawl, or walk. She isn’t able to talk, but communicates very effectively in other ways. She is learning to feed herself. She loves swimming in her pool, riding her special tricycle with her sisters, and going to school. She goes to school in a program for children with disabilities. She is healthy and happy. Most importantly, she knows Jesus. If we sing “Jesus Loves Me,” she looks off to the side as if she sees Him sitting right there. I often think to myself that Anna isn’t the one with a handicap; we are. We get so concerned with trivial things and about what we have to accomplish in life that we lose focus of what our purpose really is- to be loved by God and love Him back. Anna lives her purpose every day.

The best lesson that I learned from Katherine about being a mother was to teach my children the love of God. I will never forget the lessons that I learned from her or her very special angel, Alyssa.

Remember the "Be a Warrior" post?

For those of you who have followed this blog all along, I wrote about an issue we were having with getting our refund for our extended warranty plan on our van. Well, I am happy to report, one year later, that we received a check for the full amount plus interest about 3 months ago. Hooray!!!