What Being a Christian Means to Me

This is a tough one...

I think that everyone has their own idea of what 'Christian' means. While it might not be exactly the same idea, there are important truths to it. I'm going to do my best to put into words why I have chosen to define myself as a Christian. Here goes:

When I was a baby, my mom and dad decided to baptize me in the Catholic church. They made a decision for me when I was not able to make it on my own. In their hearts, they were doing what they thought would be best for me. I grew up in the Catholic church for many years. When I was around 7 or 8, I got the opportunity to go to Vacation Bible School at a Baptist church in town. I loved it! The songs were fun, the games were fun and I loved riding the church bus to and from each evening. Even though I was young, I made the decision to give my heart to Jesus at that vacation bible school. No one made me do it. I just listened to the pastor talk about this awesome guy named Jesus who loved me no matter what and would help me through life by always being in my heart. He didn't promise a perfect life or great blessings or anything, just a helper to get me through it. And that helper loved me unconditionally. I couldn't imagine saying 'no' to that! So, I became a Christian- a follower of Jesus Christ.

About that same time, my parents decided to try going to a non-denominational church, which basically means its a church for people from any type of upbringing: Catholic, Episcopal, Baptist, Protestant, etc. Its just a church for people to come together and worship God as one. For me, its the church that taught me so much about God's unconditional love and mercy. It taught me that while God couldn't stop the negative things from happening in my life (He gave us free will, after all), He felt every pain I could ever experience and was always by my side. For me- being a child in an alcoholic, abusive home- God was exactly Who I needed!

I remember asking God 'why' and 'why me' many times through the years of abuse and pain. And it was strange how He answered. One day, while learning about Abraham, Moses, David, Esther and other Bible heroes, God impressed on MY heart that they were no different than me. They, too, experienced great sorrow and loss. They were greatly flawed humans who came from disfunctional families, had hidden sins, made stupid choices, took life into their own hands and faced the consequences of it all. But God still used them in mighty ways. He used Abraham, an old man with no children, to be father to a nation. He used Moses, an over-privileged adopted child, to free the children of Israel from slavery. He used Daved, an adulterer, to be a world-changing king. He used Esther, a woman, to save her people from death. And He promised He would use me, a child in the midst of a daily nightmare, to deliver people from the pain and suffering in their lives. I just had to trust Him.

I wish I could say that the revelation of that moment forever put me on the road of right choices and perfect living. But, that would be a big, huge, fat lie. While, I never stopped loving God, I slipped away PLENTY of times! I got angry. I cursed God. I blamed Him for everything wrong in my life. I even told Him to buzz off and stop trying to tell me what to do several times. In fact, I pretty much decided that God really wasn't the answer to my problems at all and that the only one I could really depend on was me. I was smart. I was independent. I was driven. Who needed some god who just wanted to tell me what to do all the time and then not even step in and stop the bad stuff? Forget that!

That attitude lasted for about 7 or 8 years. Now, even though that's how I felt about God, I could still put on a great show for the outside world. Yeah, I knew all of the right 'Christian' things to say and do. I even went to church every Sunday. I had it ALL figured out! I was in control and God couldn't do anything to stop me. But that's the beauty of God, He doesn't stop us. He doesn't try to control us. He simply stands by, continually loving us and holding out His open arms, waiting for us to come back. He can take it. He can handle any negative thing we say to Him because His love for us is greater than we will ever understand. Even the best parents in the world can't love their kids as much as God loves us. He just wants our love for Him to be our choice. After all, what kind of love would it be if He forced us?

Every one of us Christians can share some story about how we came to ask Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of our lives. For me, I think that the 1st time was with the child-like faith of a young, 8 year-old girl. But, the 2nd time I asked Jesus into my heart, is the time that will be the one by which I define myself as a Christian.

When I was 25, Anna was born. She had a disability so rare and unknown that it doesn't have a name other than its genetic term. Up until then, I was handling things just fine without God. But now, I faced something too hard to handle on my own. Would Anna ever walk, or talk, or just say 'Momma'? Or an even greater question- would Anna even live that long? If she died, could I handle it? If I found her in bed one morning with barely a pulse and hardly breathing, possibly having suffered brain damage from a seizure, would I be able to give the EMTs a 'Do Not Resuscitate' order and let her go? Or would I hold on and force her to live out her life, left even more handicapped and compromised than before? And whatever I chose, would I have peace about it? These are the questions I face every day and have faced for the last 9 years. And if I didn't have a God who has showed me not only how much He loves me, but how much He loves Anna, I don't think I could face the day. Because being a Christian, to me, means trusting God's son, Jesus, with my life so completely that there is a peace in my life that I can't begin to define or explain to the fullest.

You see, Christianity is about humility. Its about being willing to admit that I can't handle everything on my own. Its about being humble enough to say that I am not perfect, or strong, or sinless, or have all the answers. Its about being able to say, "Jesus. You are the only One who has EVER experienced more pain and suffering than EVERY OTHER human to ever walk this Earth. And you took on ALL of that pain without any fault of your own because you WERE perfect and strong and sinless and had all the answers. However, Jesus, you did it so that you could totally understand EVERYTHING I would ever possibly go through. And so that my sins, which outnumber the days of my life, could be forgiven. I need You." Yes, I still face ALL the same temptations of the world. Yes, I still sin- every day. Yes, there will be lots of things that are much too big for me to handle. And, yes, Jesus will carry it for me. Talk about a load lifted off my shoulders!

So, sometimes, if I come across as having it all together or seeming so strong in a difficult situation, I can promise you that it is of no ability of my own. I'm weak. I have real problems. The strength that you see is the strength from within- deep within my heart, where a savior named Jesus lives. That's why I call myself a Christian.

Just Need to Write

I hate to admit it, but I'm failing at my goal to regularly write my blog. Its not that I don't have plenty to talk about. Its just that I have soooo much on my mind, right now, and have no idea where to start. So today, I'm just sending out an SOS.

I think that everyone reaches points in their lives where they reflect on where they've been and where they've come to. I'm at one of those points, right now.

I've been a stay-at-home mom ever since the day I walked the stage at Southwest Texas State University with my degree in Public Relations. I had plans to start my career soon after the birth of Anna, whom I was 32 weeks pregnant with when I graduated. Well, God had other plans and I've been home ever since. I've enjoyed being home with my children and doing all kinds of fun things with them. But, the time has come for change.

I'm just beginning the job-hunting process and, needless to say, I'm lost. Everyone wants someone with experience. Well, I have plenty of experience... If anything, my life as a stay-at-home mom has prepared me for just about anything a job could ask for. However, I struggle with how to communicate this 'experience' to a possible employer. I'm confident that I can handle whatever type of work I decide to pursue, but I'm not exactly sure how it will all play out.

On top of that, I've come to realize that my life needs some major overhaul. What that means, exactly, I'm not sure. I'm in a season of searching, for sure. Throughout the years, friends have moved in and out of my life, each leaving an impact on me. Sometimes, however, certain people leave more of an impact than you could imagine. Its hard to understand, unless you've experienced it. All of a sudden, I find myself questioning every decision I've made in the last 15 years. Was I following God's Will or was I following my fears and insecurities at the time? It's hard to say... But it definitely leaves me in a weird place of uncertainty because now I feel like there's something missing that I wasn't previously aware of.

I look at the people around me and I see that same insecurity that I used to have. The people that hide behind an image of false happiness. They act like its all good in their lives, publicly, but they're miserable when they look in the mirror. Why do people choose to live like that? Its most likely not their choice, but rather their lack of understanding of something greater. Whatever the case, it makes me wonder if we are all just too busy trying to make people 'think' that we're happy instead of actually pursuing true happiness. Is it easier to just settle for less? Probably so, but it sure leaves a big hole in our lives. I think that I've reached a point where I'm tired of taking the easy way out. No more just going through the motions!

So, now I've got a heavy load of questions on my shoulders and I'm seeking the answers. I have read more books and Bible passages in the last few weeks than ever. I've had more deep conversations with friends than ever. And, I've come to realize a lot more emotion than I ever knew existed. It's bittersweet, but at least I'm aware that it exists. The challenge I'm facing with it is to keep my words few and trust God to work out the details. Its definitely growing my faith by leaps and bounds! And I trust that the end result will be amazing.

My SOS to you, my friends and family, is to support me. Pray that I have the courage to follow through with whatever I have to do. Pray that I don't settle. Pray that I keep my confidence as I look for a job and don't get discouraged. Pray that I don't lose sight of the picture I see of my future. And, lastly, pray that those people most dear to my heart will do the same.

I love you all!