This is a tough one...
I think that everyone has their own idea of what 'Christian' means. While it might not be exactly the same idea, there are important truths to it. I'm going to do my best to put into words why I have chosen to define myself as a Christian. Here goes:
When I was a baby, my mom and dad decided to baptize me in the Catholic church. They made a decision for me when I was not able to make it on my own. In their hearts, they were doing what they thought would be best for me. I grew up in the Catholic church for many years. When I was around 7 or 8, I got the opportunity to go to Vacation Bible School at a Baptist church in town. I loved it! The songs were fun, the games were fun and I loved riding the church bus to and from each evening. Even though I was young, I made the decision to give my heart to Jesus at that vacation bible school. No one made me do it. I just listened to the pastor talk about this awesome guy named Jesus who loved me no matter what and would help me through life by always being in my heart. He didn't promise a perfect life or great blessings or anything, just a helper to get me through it. And that helper loved me unconditionally. I couldn't imagine saying 'no' to that! So, I became a Christian- a follower of Jesus Christ.
About that same time, my parents decided to try going to a non-denominational church, which basically means its a church for people from any type of upbringing: Catholic, Episcopal, Baptist, Protestant, etc. Its just a church for people to come together and worship God as one. For me, its the church that taught me so much about God's unconditional love and mercy. It taught me that while God couldn't stop the negative things from happening in my life (He gave us free will, after all), He felt every pain I could ever experience and was always by my side. For me- being a child in an alcoholic, abusive home- God was exactly Who I needed!
I remember asking God 'why' and 'why me' many times through the years of abuse and pain. And it was strange how He answered. One day, while learning about Abraham, Moses, David, Esther and other Bible heroes, God impressed on MY heart that they were no different than me. They, too, experienced great sorrow and loss. They were greatly flawed humans who came from disfunctional families, had hidden sins, made stupid choices, took life into their own hands and faced the consequences of it all. But God still used them in mighty ways. He used Abraham, an old man with no children, to be father to a nation. He used Moses, an over-privileged adopted child, to free the children of Israel from slavery. He used Daved, an adulterer, to be a world-changing king. He used Esther, a woman, to save her people from death. And He promised He would use me, a child in the midst of a daily nightmare, to deliver people from the pain and suffering in their lives. I just had to trust Him.
I wish I could say that the revelation of that moment forever put me on the road of right choices and perfect living. But, that would be a big, huge, fat lie. While, I never stopped loving God, I slipped away PLENTY of times! I got angry. I cursed God. I blamed Him for everything wrong in my life. I even told Him to buzz off and stop trying to tell me what to do several times. In fact, I pretty much decided that God really wasn't the answer to my problems at all and that the only one I could really depend on was me. I was smart. I was independent. I was driven. Who needed some god who just wanted to tell me what to do all the time and then not even step in and stop the bad stuff? Forget that!
That attitude lasted for about 7 or 8 years. Now, even though that's how I felt about God, I could still put on a great show for the outside world. Yeah, I knew all of the right 'Christian' things to say and do. I even went to church every Sunday. I had it ALL figured out! I was in control and God couldn't do anything to stop me. But that's the beauty of God, He doesn't stop us. He doesn't try to control us. He simply stands by, continually loving us and holding out His open arms, waiting for us to come back. He can take it. He can handle any negative thing we say to Him because His love for us is greater than we will ever understand. Even the best parents in the world can't love their kids as much as God loves us. He just wants our love for Him to be our choice. After all, what kind of love would it be if He forced us?
Every one of us Christians can share some story about how we came to ask Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of our lives. For me, I think that the 1st time was with the child-like faith of a young, 8 year-old girl. But, the 2nd time I asked Jesus into my heart, is the time that will be the one by which I define myself as a Christian.
When I was 25, Anna was born. She had a disability so rare and unknown that it doesn't have a name other than its genetic term. Up until then, I was handling things just fine without God. But now, I faced something too hard to handle on my own. Would Anna ever walk, or talk, or just say 'Momma'? Or an even greater question- would Anna even live that long? If she died, could I handle it? If I found her in bed one morning with barely a pulse and hardly breathing, possibly having suffered brain damage from a seizure, would I be able to give the EMTs a 'Do Not Resuscitate' order and let her go? Or would I hold on and force her to live out her life, left even more handicapped and compromised than before? And whatever I chose, would I have peace about it? These are the questions I face every day and have faced for the last 9 years. And if I didn't have a God who has showed me not only how much He loves me, but how much He loves Anna, I don't think I could face the day. Because being a Christian, to me, means trusting God's son, Jesus, with my life so completely that there is a peace in my life that I can't begin to define or explain to the fullest.
You see, Christianity is about humility. Its about being willing to admit that I can't handle everything on my own. Its about being humble enough to say that I am not perfect, or strong, or sinless, or have all the answers. Its about being able to say, "Jesus. You are the only One who has EVER experienced more pain and suffering than EVERY OTHER human to ever walk this Earth. And you took on ALL of that pain without any fault of your own because you WERE perfect and strong and sinless and had all the answers. However, Jesus, you did it so that you could totally understand EVERYTHING I would ever possibly go through. And so that my sins, which outnumber the days of my life, could be forgiven. I need You." Yes, I still face ALL the same temptations of the world. Yes, I still sin- every day. Yes, there will be lots of things that are much too big for me to handle. And, yes, Jesus will carry it for me. Talk about a load lifted off my shoulders!
So, sometimes, if I come across as having it all together or seeming so strong in a difficult situation, I can promise you that it is of no ability of my own. I'm weak. I have real problems. The strength that you see is the strength from within- deep within my heart, where a savior named Jesus lives. That's why I call myself a Christian.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Just Need to Write
I hate to admit it, but I'm failing at my goal to regularly write my blog. Its not that I don't have plenty to talk about. Its just that I have soooo much on my mind, right now, and have no idea where to start. So today, I'm just sending out an SOS.
I think that everyone reaches points in their lives where they reflect on where they've been and where they've come to. I'm at one of those points, right now.
I've been a stay-at-home mom ever since the day I walked the stage at Southwest Texas State University with my degree in Public Relations. I had plans to start my career soon after the birth of Anna, whom I was 32 weeks pregnant with when I graduated. Well, God had other plans and I've been home ever since. I've enjoyed being home with my children and doing all kinds of fun things with them. But, the time has come for change.
I'm just beginning the job-hunting process and, needless to say, I'm lost. Everyone wants someone with experience. Well, I have plenty of experience... If anything, my life as a stay-at-home mom has prepared me for just about anything a job could ask for. However, I struggle with how to communicate this 'experience' to a possible employer. I'm confident that I can handle whatever type of work I decide to pursue, but I'm not exactly sure how it will all play out.
On top of that, I've come to realize that my life needs some major overhaul. What that means, exactly, I'm not sure. I'm in a season of searching, for sure. Throughout the years, friends have moved in and out of my life, each leaving an impact on me. Sometimes, however, certain people leave more of an impact than you could imagine. Its hard to understand, unless you've experienced it. All of a sudden, I find myself questioning every decision I've made in the last 15 years. Was I following God's Will or was I following my fears and insecurities at the time? It's hard to say... But it definitely leaves me in a weird place of uncertainty because now I feel like there's something missing that I wasn't previously aware of.
I look at the people around me and I see that same insecurity that I used to have. The people that hide behind an image of false happiness. They act like its all good in their lives, publicly, but they're miserable when they look in the mirror. Why do people choose to live like that? Its most likely not their choice, but rather their lack of understanding of something greater. Whatever the case, it makes me wonder if we are all just too busy trying to make people 'think' that we're happy instead of actually pursuing true happiness. Is it easier to just settle for less? Probably so, but it sure leaves a big hole in our lives. I think that I've reached a point where I'm tired of taking the easy way out. No more just going through the motions!
So, now I've got a heavy load of questions on my shoulders and I'm seeking the answers. I have read more books and Bible passages in the last few weeks than ever. I've had more deep conversations with friends than ever. And, I've come to realize a lot more emotion than I ever knew existed. It's bittersweet, but at least I'm aware that it exists. The challenge I'm facing with it is to keep my words few and trust God to work out the details. Its definitely growing my faith by leaps and bounds! And I trust that the end result will be amazing.
My SOS to you, my friends and family, is to support me. Pray that I have the courage to follow through with whatever I have to do. Pray that I don't settle. Pray that I keep my confidence as I look for a job and don't get discouraged. Pray that I don't lose sight of the picture I see of my future. And, lastly, pray that those people most dear to my heart will do the same.
I love you all!
I think that everyone reaches points in their lives where they reflect on where they've been and where they've come to. I'm at one of those points, right now.
I've been a stay-at-home mom ever since the day I walked the stage at Southwest Texas State University with my degree in Public Relations. I had plans to start my career soon after the birth of Anna, whom I was 32 weeks pregnant with when I graduated. Well, God had other plans and I've been home ever since. I've enjoyed being home with my children and doing all kinds of fun things with them. But, the time has come for change.
I'm just beginning the job-hunting process and, needless to say, I'm lost. Everyone wants someone with experience. Well, I have plenty of experience... If anything, my life as a stay-at-home mom has prepared me for just about anything a job could ask for. However, I struggle with how to communicate this 'experience' to a possible employer. I'm confident that I can handle whatever type of work I decide to pursue, but I'm not exactly sure how it will all play out.
On top of that, I've come to realize that my life needs some major overhaul. What that means, exactly, I'm not sure. I'm in a season of searching, for sure. Throughout the years, friends have moved in and out of my life, each leaving an impact on me. Sometimes, however, certain people leave more of an impact than you could imagine. Its hard to understand, unless you've experienced it. All of a sudden, I find myself questioning every decision I've made in the last 15 years. Was I following God's Will or was I following my fears and insecurities at the time? It's hard to say... But it definitely leaves me in a weird place of uncertainty because now I feel like there's something missing that I wasn't previously aware of.
I look at the people around me and I see that same insecurity that I used to have. The people that hide behind an image of false happiness. They act like its all good in their lives, publicly, but they're miserable when they look in the mirror. Why do people choose to live like that? Its most likely not their choice, but rather their lack of understanding of something greater. Whatever the case, it makes me wonder if we are all just too busy trying to make people 'think' that we're happy instead of actually pursuing true happiness. Is it easier to just settle for less? Probably so, but it sure leaves a big hole in our lives. I think that I've reached a point where I'm tired of taking the easy way out. No more just going through the motions!
So, now I've got a heavy load of questions on my shoulders and I'm seeking the answers. I have read more books and Bible passages in the last few weeks than ever. I've had more deep conversations with friends than ever. And, I've come to realize a lot more emotion than I ever knew existed. It's bittersweet, but at least I'm aware that it exists. The challenge I'm facing with it is to keep my words few and trust God to work out the details. Its definitely growing my faith by leaps and bounds! And I trust that the end result will be amazing.
My SOS to you, my friends and family, is to support me. Pray that I have the courage to follow through with whatever I have to do. Pray that I don't settle. Pray that I keep my confidence as I look for a job and don't get discouraged. Pray that I don't lose sight of the picture I see of my future. And, lastly, pray that those people most dear to my heart will do the same.
I love you all!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
An Angel's Mother
I would like to share a story that I wrote 4 1/2 years ago when I was asked to speak at my church's women's conference about Anna. This is dedicated to Alyssa McCarty.
An Angel’s Mother
I look back over the past 4 years of my life and think, “Wow, God is awesome!” It is amazing to think of how faithful He has been and how much He really does intend everything for good.
The story began in May 2001. I had just graduated with my Bachelor of Arts in Mass Communication and my husband, Scott, and I were eagerly waiting for the birth of our second daughter. We had “the plan.” I would stay home with the baby for the first year or so and then start working part-time when she was older. Little did I know how much our lives were about to change.
On June 27, 2001, we gave birth to a beautiful blue-eyed, redheaded baby girl who looked just like her Daddy. We named her Anna. We were so happy to finally hold her in our arms and welcome her into our family. All seemed right in the world, for the moment. Before Anna was 12 hours old, the doctors realized that something was not right. In fact, Anna stopped breathing several times throughout the night and had to be put in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. By the time she was 24 hours old, we were informed that she would remain in the hospital for a minimum of 10 days, maybe longer. Those 10 days turned into 21 days. Over the course of that time, Anna’s diagnosis became more and more complex.
We were originally told that she had contracted a strep virus and would be fine after 10 days of IV antibiotic treatment. However, as each day unfolded something else would go wrong. First, we discovered she was having seizure activity in her brain. Second, she would stop breathing due to extreme acid reflux. Third, she had a small heart murmur. The list continued to grow. When she was finally released from the hospital, we went home with 5 different daily medications to be administered every 6 hours, an oxygen tank for when she stopped breathing, and an apnea monitor that she had to wear 24-7. Needless to say, life was going to be different.
Up until that point, my walk with the Lord had been less than ideal. Although my husband and
I attended a local church, neither one of us were doing much to feed our spirits. I had been closer to God earlier in my life, but had drifted away in my late teen years. As I dealt with daily life with Anna, I found myself returning to the One Source of hope I had once avoided. As I prayed more and more, I found myself begging the Lord to just let me wake up and it all be a bad dream. I prayed that Anna would be normal. I prayed for an answer to what was wrong with her. Most importantly, I prayed for comfort.
My comfort came in the most surprising way. Just 3 houses down the street lived an awesome family, The McCartys. Hal and Katherine McCarty had 5 children, ranging in age from 8 to 19. Their youngest daughter, Lindsay, was best friends with my daughter, Morgan. Lindsay and Morgan spent every day together. Just 7 months prior to Anna’s birth, Lindsay’s sister, Alyssa, had been diagnosed with leukemia. At the time of her diagnosis, I had told Lindsay that everything would be fine, people survive leukemia all of the time. Each day, when Lindsay came over to play, she would give us updates on Alyssa’s health. During that June when Anna was born, Alyssa was undergoing bone marrow transplant. The McCarty’s oldest daughter, Lauren, had been a bone marrow match for Alyssa.
While I was adjusting to life with Anna at home, Katherine McCarty was also making adjustments in her own life with caring for Alyssa, who was undergoing radiation treatments. The months that followed kept us both very busy. Lindsay continued to keep us updated on Alyssa’s progress.
When Anna was four months old, we finally got an answer to our questions. She had a rare condition known only as a 1P36 chromosome deletion. Everything that was known about this condition made it sound terrible. Things like “facial abnormalities”, “severe developmental delay”, ”cardiomyopathy”, ”seizures”, and “retardation” were just a few of the phrases used to describe it. Worst of all, no doctor could tell us if Anna would live a full life or not. We were told to just take her home and get in contact with other families who had a child with the same condition.
My first reaction to this diagnosis was once again to beg God to make it all be a bad dream. However, He had something better in mind, and He ministered to me through the McCarty family’s lives.
Just a month after Anna’s diagnosis, Alyssa McCarty re-lapsed. It happened the day the kids were let out of school for Christmas break. Katherine had taken Alyssa for a check-up with her oncologist earlier that day, and had only been home for an hour when the phone call came. Lindsay showed up at our door just minutes after Katherine received the call. She was crying and told us the she was afraid that Alyssa was going to die. It was hard for me to hold back the tears and be strong for Lindsay’s sake as I tried to assure her that Alyssa would be okay. I asked her how her mother was doing and she told me that Katherine had called Hal, telling him to come home as quickly as possible. As I sat there, trying to comfort Lindsay without revealing how much it hurt me to hear this news, I thought about Katherine.
Later that night, Katherine and Alyssa took a bike ride. When they were returning home, I stopped Katherine to ask her how it was going. She shared what she knew at that point and said to me, “I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose her.” I felt so connected to her at that moment because I knew what that feeling felt like with Anna. Alyssa was admitted back into the hospital to fight the leukemia once again.
The next two months flew by. Christmas came and Alyssa was still in the hospital. Lindsay came to our house on Christmas morning just as we finished opening our gifts. Morgan asked her what she had gotten for Christmas. Lindsay told us that they were waiting until Alyssa came home from the hospital to open their gifts; only Alyssa never came home.
Alyssa McCarty passed away on February 18, 2002 at the age of 15. She had touched so many lives in her 15 years of life, and the funeral service showed it. The church was filled with so many people of all different ages. People who knew her could not keep from being lifted by her contagious love for life. She was a musician, a cheerleader, a volleyball player, a dancer, an honor student, and the list goes on. At her funeral, there was slide show of pictures throughout her life. As I sat there, watching the slide show, I realized that Alyssa had been the amazing person that she was because of the amazing parents that God had placed her with. She knew the Lord and was not afraid of leaving this world to go home to Him. Her parents had showed her God’s love every day of her life. I knew that Katherine was the kind of mother that I wanted to be to my children.
Alyssa’s funeral was on a Friday. The Sunday just after the funeral, I asked my husband if we could attend the McCarty’s church. We went to Shoreline for the first time for a regular Sunday morning service and sat with the McCarty’s. When the time came for people to go forward for prayer, the large church intimidated me, so I just closed my eyes and began to pray from my seat. I was praying for Anna, as always, trying to figure out what God had planned for her life. Suddenly, I felt Katherine reach over and put her arm around me and start praying for me. I don’t remember much of what she said because I kept thinking to myself, ‘she just buried her child on Friday and she’s praying for me!’
That moment impacted my life profoundly. Katherine had strength that came from something greater than human capabilities. I knew that she was strong in her faith and that God was the source of her peace. I also knew that I wanted that same peace. I wasn’t even close to it at the time, but I was beginning to see God’s hand at work through Katherine.
Shortly after the funeral, I started visiting Katherine several times a week. She would ask me how Anna was doing and then she would tell me about all that she had been through with Alyssa. I just listened, making sure to store every detail in my memory. Katherine didn’t know how much she was ministering to me by just sharing her story, but I knew that it was healing for her. It was healing for me, too. I began to change the way I prayed for Anna. I no longer prayed for everything to be a bad dream that I would wake up from. Instead, I prayed for God’s guidance in caring for Anna. I began to accept her disability and learn all that I could to help her. One day, Katherine said something that has stayed with me ever since. She told me that she always knew that her children belonged to God and that He could call them home whenever He was ready; she just never thought leukemia. Her peace had come from the trust that she had in God’s perfect will.
In the months that followed, I started to submit Anna’s life to God completely. One night around 2 or 3 a.m., I found the peace that I had been looking for. Anna was struggling with the reflux and couldn’t sleep lying flat. She would wake up crying in the night because the reflux hurt, even when her head was elevated. I brought her into the living room and began rocking her in the rocking chair. As I rocked, I reflected on the last few months and all that Katherine had told me. Her statement about her children belonging to God and how she always knew He could call them home at any time kept coming back to my mind. I laid Anna down in the middle of my living room floor and began to pray, “God, I know she’s yours. I know that you can call her home at any time. I trust you with her life, completely. I am not afraid of whatever the future may hold for her because I know that you are in control.” I picked her back up and sat back in the chair. Then, I felt the Holy Spirit flood me with His presence. I felt a total sense of peace. God comforted me at my time of need just as He had comforted Katherine.
Life began to change a lot after that. I learned to pray, with faith, for Anna. Just shortly after her first birthday, her seizure activity was gone. God had healed her. She continued to improve and we adjusted to life with a special-needs child. Both Scott and I grew closer to God and learned to live by His will. There was no more talk of “the plan.” Anna welcomed a baby sister, Sarah, a month before her 2nd birthday. The McCarty family continued to adjust to life without Alyssa. There were difficult moments for both families, but it was so much easier to get through them with the Lord’s help.
Anna is 4 years old, now. She is very physically handicapped. She can’t sit up unassisted, or crawl, or walk. She isn’t able to talk, but communicates very effectively in other ways. She is learning to feed herself. She loves swimming in her pool, riding her special tricycle with her sisters, and going to school. She goes to school in a program for children with disabilities. She is healthy and happy. Most importantly, she knows Jesus. If we sing “Jesus Loves Me,” she looks off to the side as if she sees Him sitting right there. I often think to myself that Anna isn’t the one with a handicap; we are. We get so concerned with trivial things and about what we have to accomplish in life that we lose focus of what our purpose really is- to be loved by God and love Him back. Anna lives her purpose every day.
The best lesson that I learned from Katherine about being a mother was to teach my children the love of God. I will never forget the lessons that I learned from her or her very special angel, Alyssa.
An Angel’s Mother
I look back over the past 4 years of my life and think, “Wow, God is awesome!” It is amazing to think of how faithful He has been and how much He really does intend everything for good.
The story began in May 2001. I had just graduated with my Bachelor of Arts in Mass Communication and my husband, Scott, and I were eagerly waiting for the birth of our second daughter. We had “the plan.” I would stay home with the baby for the first year or so and then start working part-time when she was older. Little did I know how much our lives were about to change.
On June 27, 2001, we gave birth to a beautiful blue-eyed, redheaded baby girl who looked just like her Daddy. We named her Anna. We were so happy to finally hold her in our arms and welcome her into our family. All seemed right in the world, for the moment. Before Anna was 12 hours old, the doctors realized that something was not right. In fact, Anna stopped breathing several times throughout the night and had to be put in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. By the time she was 24 hours old, we were informed that she would remain in the hospital for a minimum of 10 days, maybe longer. Those 10 days turned into 21 days. Over the course of that time, Anna’s diagnosis became more and more complex.
We were originally told that she had contracted a strep virus and would be fine after 10 days of IV antibiotic treatment. However, as each day unfolded something else would go wrong. First, we discovered she was having seizure activity in her brain. Second, she would stop breathing due to extreme acid reflux. Third, she had a small heart murmur. The list continued to grow. When she was finally released from the hospital, we went home with 5 different daily medications to be administered every 6 hours, an oxygen tank for when she stopped breathing, and an apnea monitor that she had to wear 24-7. Needless to say, life was going to be different.
Up until that point, my walk with the Lord had been less than ideal. Although my husband and
I attended a local church, neither one of us were doing much to feed our spirits. I had been closer to God earlier in my life, but had drifted away in my late teen years. As I dealt with daily life with Anna, I found myself returning to the One Source of hope I had once avoided. As I prayed more and more, I found myself begging the Lord to just let me wake up and it all be a bad dream. I prayed that Anna would be normal. I prayed for an answer to what was wrong with her. Most importantly, I prayed for comfort.
My comfort came in the most surprising way. Just 3 houses down the street lived an awesome family, The McCartys. Hal and Katherine McCarty had 5 children, ranging in age from 8 to 19. Their youngest daughter, Lindsay, was best friends with my daughter, Morgan. Lindsay and Morgan spent every day together. Just 7 months prior to Anna’s birth, Lindsay’s sister, Alyssa, had been diagnosed with leukemia. At the time of her diagnosis, I had told Lindsay that everything would be fine, people survive leukemia all of the time. Each day, when Lindsay came over to play, she would give us updates on Alyssa’s health. During that June when Anna was born, Alyssa was undergoing bone marrow transplant. The McCarty’s oldest daughter, Lauren, had been a bone marrow match for Alyssa.
While I was adjusting to life with Anna at home, Katherine McCarty was also making adjustments in her own life with caring for Alyssa, who was undergoing radiation treatments. The months that followed kept us both very busy. Lindsay continued to keep us updated on Alyssa’s progress.
When Anna was four months old, we finally got an answer to our questions. She had a rare condition known only as a 1P36 chromosome deletion. Everything that was known about this condition made it sound terrible. Things like “facial abnormalities”, “severe developmental delay”, ”cardiomyopathy”, ”seizures”, and “retardation” were just a few of the phrases used to describe it. Worst of all, no doctor could tell us if Anna would live a full life or not. We were told to just take her home and get in contact with other families who had a child with the same condition.
My first reaction to this diagnosis was once again to beg God to make it all be a bad dream. However, He had something better in mind, and He ministered to me through the McCarty family’s lives.
Just a month after Anna’s diagnosis, Alyssa McCarty re-lapsed. It happened the day the kids were let out of school for Christmas break. Katherine had taken Alyssa for a check-up with her oncologist earlier that day, and had only been home for an hour when the phone call came. Lindsay showed up at our door just minutes after Katherine received the call. She was crying and told us the she was afraid that Alyssa was going to die. It was hard for me to hold back the tears and be strong for Lindsay’s sake as I tried to assure her that Alyssa would be okay. I asked her how her mother was doing and she told me that Katherine had called Hal, telling him to come home as quickly as possible. As I sat there, trying to comfort Lindsay without revealing how much it hurt me to hear this news, I thought about Katherine.
Later that night, Katherine and Alyssa took a bike ride. When they were returning home, I stopped Katherine to ask her how it was going. She shared what she knew at that point and said to me, “I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose her.” I felt so connected to her at that moment because I knew what that feeling felt like with Anna. Alyssa was admitted back into the hospital to fight the leukemia once again.
The next two months flew by. Christmas came and Alyssa was still in the hospital. Lindsay came to our house on Christmas morning just as we finished opening our gifts. Morgan asked her what she had gotten for Christmas. Lindsay told us that they were waiting until Alyssa came home from the hospital to open their gifts; only Alyssa never came home.
Alyssa McCarty passed away on February 18, 2002 at the age of 15. She had touched so many lives in her 15 years of life, and the funeral service showed it. The church was filled with so many people of all different ages. People who knew her could not keep from being lifted by her contagious love for life. She was a musician, a cheerleader, a volleyball player, a dancer, an honor student, and the list goes on. At her funeral, there was slide show of pictures throughout her life. As I sat there, watching the slide show, I realized that Alyssa had been the amazing person that she was because of the amazing parents that God had placed her with. She knew the Lord and was not afraid of leaving this world to go home to Him. Her parents had showed her God’s love every day of her life. I knew that Katherine was the kind of mother that I wanted to be to my children.
Alyssa’s funeral was on a Friday. The Sunday just after the funeral, I asked my husband if we could attend the McCarty’s church. We went to Shoreline for the first time for a regular Sunday morning service and sat with the McCarty’s. When the time came for people to go forward for prayer, the large church intimidated me, so I just closed my eyes and began to pray from my seat. I was praying for Anna, as always, trying to figure out what God had planned for her life. Suddenly, I felt Katherine reach over and put her arm around me and start praying for me. I don’t remember much of what she said because I kept thinking to myself, ‘she just buried her child on Friday and she’s praying for me!’
That moment impacted my life profoundly. Katherine had strength that came from something greater than human capabilities. I knew that she was strong in her faith and that God was the source of her peace. I also knew that I wanted that same peace. I wasn’t even close to it at the time, but I was beginning to see God’s hand at work through Katherine.
Shortly after the funeral, I started visiting Katherine several times a week. She would ask me how Anna was doing and then she would tell me about all that she had been through with Alyssa. I just listened, making sure to store every detail in my memory. Katherine didn’t know how much she was ministering to me by just sharing her story, but I knew that it was healing for her. It was healing for me, too. I began to change the way I prayed for Anna. I no longer prayed for everything to be a bad dream that I would wake up from. Instead, I prayed for God’s guidance in caring for Anna. I began to accept her disability and learn all that I could to help her. One day, Katherine said something that has stayed with me ever since. She told me that she always knew that her children belonged to God and that He could call them home whenever He was ready; she just never thought leukemia. Her peace had come from the trust that she had in God’s perfect will.
In the months that followed, I started to submit Anna’s life to God completely. One night around 2 or 3 a.m., I found the peace that I had been looking for. Anna was struggling with the reflux and couldn’t sleep lying flat. She would wake up crying in the night because the reflux hurt, even when her head was elevated. I brought her into the living room and began rocking her in the rocking chair. As I rocked, I reflected on the last few months and all that Katherine had told me. Her statement about her children belonging to God and how she always knew He could call them home at any time kept coming back to my mind. I laid Anna down in the middle of my living room floor and began to pray, “God, I know she’s yours. I know that you can call her home at any time. I trust you with her life, completely. I am not afraid of whatever the future may hold for her because I know that you are in control.” I picked her back up and sat back in the chair. Then, I felt the Holy Spirit flood me with His presence. I felt a total sense of peace. God comforted me at my time of need just as He had comforted Katherine.
Life began to change a lot after that. I learned to pray, with faith, for Anna. Just shortly after her first birthday, her seizure activity was gone. God had healed her. She continued to improve and we adjusted to life with a special-needs child. Both Scott and I grew closer to God and learned to live by His will. There was no more talk of “the plan.” Anna welcomed a baby sister, Sarah, a month before her 2nd birthday. The McCarty family continued to adjust to life without Alyssa. There were difficult moments for both families, but it was so much easier to get through them with the Lord’s help.
Anna is 4 years old, now. She is very physically handicapped. She can’t sit up unassisted, or crawl, or walk. She isn’t able to talk, but communicates very effectively in other ways. She is learning to feed herself. She loves swimming in her pool, riding her special tricycle with her sisters, and going to school. She goes to school in a program for children with disabilities. She is healthy and happy. Most importantly, she knows Jesus. If we sing “Jesus Loves Me,” she looks off to the side as if she sees Him sitting right there. I often think to myself that Anna isn’t the one with a handicap; we are. We get so concerned with trivial things and about what we have to accomplish in life that we lose focus of what our purpose really is- to be loved by God and love Him back. Anna lives her purpose every day.
The best lesson that I learned from Katherine about being a mother was to teach my children the love of God. I will never forget the lessons that I learned from her or her very special angel, Alyssa.
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